sunset from behind the wire

sunset from behind the wire

Friday, January 18, 2013

Passing Time in the Workplace


My life in the workplace has been frequently marked by practical jokes. While they are politically incorrect, there are scattered groups of adult heterosexual males that are still around where pulling off a good one is appreciated. If you work around politically correct stuffed shirts - they work much better. Target selection is critical.

(1) Sliming. Slide a few condoms into the suit jacket pockets of the most Christian (fully washed in the blood of the Lamb) male colleague that you work with. It's better if they are in an executive management position because they will have less of a sense of humor, thus the prank is more effective and the red-faced, spitting anger they come back to work with is more satisfying. 
I can't explain it, but their wives would seem to be the most suspicious of the lot. Imagine a woman going through your suit jacket and finding two unused condoms and one used (with a little hand lotion in the reservoir tip). (Wipe your fingerprints from the condom packages before inserting them into the jacket pocket.)
HINT-- It works even better with lesbians... 
(2) Photo Substitution. There is a practice (officially frowned upon) of taking credentials out of suit pockets and gluing a photo of a person of a more swarthy race over the photo of the authorized bearer. The practice, known as "jigging" pre-dated the movie, Midnight Run, where Robert DiNero carried and misused the credentials of a black FBI Special Agent named Alonzo Mosley (Yafette Koto). This practice works better if you are pranking people from an agency of the government other than your own. 
People very seldom inspect their own creds. They display them on official business and the reaction is always gratifying.
(3) Promotion Party Planning. Frequently everyone knows that somebody will be promoted before they are. The "secret" is an open secret. However, most organizational leaders feel that they are not transparent. Therefore, follow these steps:
  • Go to a printing shop and have business cards, memo stationary and whatever else may be appropriate printed showing the name of the anointed one with their 'future rank/position' one ABOVE where they are ascending. Use the telephone number of the person promoting them on the business cards/desktop stationary.
  • Send the gifts to the TITLE, not to the person. So if you're sending them to an FBI Assistant Special Agent-in-Charge, Simply ASAC, FCI, FBI - Norfolk 150 Corporate Blvd, Norfolk, VA Therefore the person promoting the person of interest will receive the goodies.
The reaction will be immediate and satisfying.
Federal Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and
Firearms HQ
Ground-Zero for pranking other agencies.
HINT-- Straw Man Deflection: It's often useful to set up a third party as the prankster because the search for the guilty party will be relentless. Pick somebody from the office who has recently returned from a conference or meeting and send the "package" from that location. (It's much easier to do if you have a friend in the post office/Postal Inspection Service.) Take a copy of the packing receipt for the purchase and put it in the third party's office trash. The third party won't know that it's there and it provides "proof" to the offended one on the warpath.
(4) The Wicked Dancer. Strip clubs are dens of iniquity and only perverts go there. However, wives and girlfriends don't know that you (their loved one) are not a pervert, so this works. (See #1 above) It works better on the uber religious but there is universal application. Drop by and pick up a few business cards to "Juicy Lucy's", "Bottoms Up" or "Dick's Cabaret". On the back of the business card write a name like "Jazmine", "Cherry" or "Franchesca" with a heart next to the name. No phone number is required. 
Wives and girlfriends never have an understanding reaction that their man has been set up by his insensitive colleagues.
HINT-- It works even better with lesbians... 
(5) Plaque Substitution. The bigger and more self-important the boss, the more crap that hangs on their "I love me wall". Select a plaque and order a substitute. Replace the name of the recipient with their name and the caveat "Class Asshole" or similar underneath. Hang it in place of the original. The office owner won't notice it -- but somebody else is bound to. And it's fun. Eventually you can replace the original, when you're in the mood.

Nobody is more uptight than IBM executives. They are
all ripe for this sort of treatment and it's effectiveness has
been proven in actual field testing.
(6) IBM Panic. It works for other organizations, but it worked particularly well in the past when exacting a measure of satisfaction from IBM. Parking places are a mark of your place in the pecking order. An unannounced change in parking place drives knives of panic into the most hardened bureaucrat. A confederate in parking security is required, but those people are always dumped on, so they're almost always thrilled to delete the security camera footage.

Rearrange parking placards over a holiday weekend, make some new ones announcing promotions and change the names on the top few slots. You're going to have to go to the bother of generating half a dozen new placards - along with moving another dozen around, but the results are worth the trouble.



None of these practical jokes reflect professional decorum or the somber plodding required in a bureaucratic office environment. Then again, if you were one of THOSE PEOPLE, it's unlikely that you'd ever read this blog.





Gun Free Zones - The New Standard of Safety!

It's time to review how those gun-free zone declarations have worked out.


COLONIAL UNITED STATES  
1775-1781

The British crown did their best to enforce a gun free zone and sent redcoats from house to house to disarm their own subjects but because it didn't work, we are here. I do realize that many progressive Americans feel that it would be better if we were still ruled from London by a British Parliament that could levy taxes without representation the parliament -- but it's history.
James Madison wrote it this way: "The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed; a well armed, and well regulated militia being the best security of a free country: but no person religiously scrupulous of bearing arms, shall be compelled to render military service in person." It's clear from reading Madison that the intent was that the American people had a right to arm themselves. This in the face of the "gun free zones" that the British had thought to enforce.

UPSTATE NEW YORK 
2013

After that paragon of progressivism, The Journal News, published the addresses of every legal firearm owner within their circulation area (they didn't have the information on the hoard of armed criminals), even the ultra uber leftist New York State Legislature passed a law in record time forbidding news organizations from doing it in the future. Apparently the district attorneys, judges, members of the legislature and police officers were uncomfortable with it. It would seem that the unarmed executives at the Journal News are also uncomfortable with proclaiming their homes to be gun free zones. (see below) The question is WHY? I'm sure that they have no fear of judges and police officers who are the  sort of people impacted by limiting lawful firearms ownership.



AFGHANISTAN - TODAY

The Duffle Blog weighs in on a 'gun free zone' declared in Afghanistan.
(h/t The Duffle Blog) KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Following the latest green-on-blue attacks, Afghan President Hamid Karzai has formally announced today that the entire nation of Afghanistan had been declared a gun-free zone.

“After over thirty years of senseless violence, I think it’s time we say no to big guns and the firearms industry that promotes them,” a tearful and visibly-tired Karzai told a crowd of Afghan legislators at the presidential palace in Kabul. 
Under the new government-approved policy, no one will be allowed to carry any type of firearm or ranged weapon in Afghanistan. Swords and knives are still permissible, as long as the owner possesses a Class-III license available at most government offices. 
There were concerns that many residents in this nation of firearms enthusiasts, widely described as “the freest people in the world”, would ignore the edict. This is a country where guns outnumber people 14:1 and actually have more civil rights than them. Many people proudly sport jalabiyas bearing the slogan “Live free or die”. Last year a DShK heavy machine gun was elected to parliament. And the national motto can be roughly translated as ‘A man should purchase a gun instead of a wife, because at least if someone looks at his gun he won’t have to take it out back and crush it with a heavy rock’. 
Several gun collection centers have been set up around the country under the leadership of female Afghan General Khatol Mohammad Zai, prompting a group of elderly mujahideen to release a statment saying: “I am a mujahideen veteran of 30 years, and I will not have some woman who proclaims the evil of an inanimate object, yet carries one, tell me that I may not have one.” 
However following the announcement, many citizens rushed to turn in the millions of pistols, shotguns, rifles, belt-fed machine guns, rocket-propelled grenades, and anti-aircraft weaponry possessed by their families for generations. 
“We’re losing such a valuable part of our national identity,” sobbed farmer Haji Hayatullah as he drove his 438 firearms to the police station in the family tank. “My AK-47 has over thirty notches for every man it’s killed, and seventy half-notches for each woman and child.” 
Initially there was some hope that the edict would not affect the 130,000 ISAF/NATO soldiers serving throughout the country because the edict only affects men and women. Under the Afghan constitution, ISAF soldiers are not considered human
However ISAF spokesman Major Kimberly Ash said the International Security Assistance Force would also comply with the law and that all future patrols would be limited to bayonets and sharp pointed sticks. 
Surprisingly, Karzai’s decision has also been praised by his opponents in the Taliban. “Under Islamic traditions, firearms are considered bid’ah, or innovations,” said Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Omar. “The Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, never used a Soviet SKS semi-automatic rifle, a pressure plate IED, or a 107-millimeter rocket.” 
Mullah Omar added, “We are pleased that the infidel puppet Karzai has recognized this and we look forward to riding up to his palace on horseback and beheading him with a proper Islamic sword.”