sunset from behind the wire

sunset from behind the wire

Monday, November 4, 2013

Garage Priorities (rules)

The single most important room in any residence is THE GARAGE. Yes, I'm a guy. Women don't usually view garages the same way that guys do. They may find garages useful repositories for seasonal decorations or for rolls of toilet paper from Costco. Most women lack vision where a garage is concerned. And they find it odd and more than a little annoying that men are willing to spend almost every free waking hour tinkering in a garage (rather then spending time with them as they watch the Housewives of Wherever on television).

I've noticed that garages on the West Coast of the US tend to be bigger than those on the East Coast. I have NEVER had a house that I bought on the West Coast with a smaller than three car capacity. That's the baseline, but of course, it's not ever big enough. A realtor in Virginia showed me a rental with a one-car garage a number of years ago. I asked, "Is that it?" She seemed to be pleased that there was a one-car garage and said so. How can carry out all of the necessary manly activities that tradition requires in a one car garage? The answer is that you can't. And a car port is an insult to masculinity.

Garage Q and A

Is any garage too big?  NO. In fact if your garage isn't too small, it soon will be no matter how big you thought that it was when you first moved into it.

Is there any bigger garage fantasy than to simply buy out a Snap-On Truck? No.

Can a garage contain an airplane? No. If there is an airplane in it, it's a hanger. Are the rules for a hanger the same as for a garage? Yes.

Are posters of naked women off limits? NO. Do I have posters of naked women in my garage? No, I don't because women object, and more's the pity because I'm that whipped. I satisfy myself with racing posters, aircraft posters and targets of "rag heads" with the faces and hearts shot out.

A quanset hut makes an acceptable garage if you can lift your car/truck
inside of the structure to work on it. 
Can you have too many tools? NO. That was a stupid question but a woman might ask it. It's now been asked and answered.

Should you have a refrigerator in your garage? YES. Again, that's a stupid question. If you're there, you need a fridge to keep things cold that are best served cold.

Should you have more than one gun safe in your garage? YES. How else can you safely store your guns and ammo?

Should you have a TV in your garage? YES. It's hard to tinker and watch the big game at the same time if you don't have a television in your garage. It's advisable to have two large flat screen TV's in your garage so that you can watch more than one show at a time. For example, you can have the Playboy Channel on one TV while the big game is on the other. Are there size limits to a garage television? NO. Bigger is always better in a garage. And you're going to need at least one (old) sofa in the garage so that you and your buddies can escape the house to watch sports together.

Should you have a car lift in your garage? YES. It's a good idea, but if you don't have one, you will need to cut a grease pit in the floor so that you can get under your car or truck to work on it. If your garage is too small for a car lift or a grease pit, it's way too small.

Should you load ammo in your garage? YES. You need to be at peace (with a sports show, Duck Dynasty or Top Gear on the TV) while you're tinkering with gunpowder, primers, brass and bullets.

Should young children be allowed in your garage? NO. There should be brass shavings on the floor from where you've de-burred cartridge mouths and primer pockets to point to if young (loud and annoying) children show up. It's dangerous for them to be out there hanging out while manly pursuits are undertaken. If you're not loading, you can hacksaw/sawzall something and use those shavings to point to. Through some small screws onto the deck -- and maybe something electrical that gives off ominous sparks should be sited within the reach of a small child as well as a precautionary back-up. Can you leave your garage to watch the small children? "It's not possible to leave at this time." Can you leave for supper? "Yes, immediately."

Should seasonal items be stored in "your" garage? NO. A garage is not the place to put plastic Christmas trees, Halloween decorations, or birthday notions. It's a high testosterone environment where really important things happen. You can stuff all of the storage somewhere else (maybe an attic?).

Should your garage include a kitchenette? NO. A bar-b-cue is sufficient, and that can be sited near the roll-up/flip up car door. A nearby restroom is useful or your beer'd up friends will simply take a leak outside of the garage door as soon as an inning/quarter ends or the network breaks for commercials.

Should you play cards with your friends in your garage? YES. Even though I am not personally a card player, your garage should be large enough to have a card table in addition to everything else that this blog mandates.

Should you have a gym in your garage? YES. You can go from having a buddy spot your lifts to an in-depth discussion of the latest issue of Popular Mechanics and move from your rack of weights to the work bench to discuss something in detail and go back to the work-out with seamless motion.

Do you need to be politically correct in your garage? NO. You can say whatever you want to say and it's fine. In fact, your garage may be the only place on the planet where you can express yourself.

Are women allowed in your garage when your buddies are present? YES. They can bring fried chicken, sandwiches, potato skins, chips and salsa or cold drinks. Then they need to leave. Aren't there Kardashian re-runs on the TV?

Female Tactics 101
  • You have a garage, it's your domain, and your tools are all laid out so that you know where they are. Suddenly a screwdriver goes missing. You didn't move it. But you know who did. If you ask where the screwdriver is, the answer will go something like this: "Where were YOU when I needed the screw tightened?" Notice how the blame shifted immediately?
  • "Sweetheart, do you mind if I store this (insert domestic item name here - maybe something like two cases of feminine hygiene products) in the garage? You know that I love you SOOOooooo much!" 
    • YES I MIND is a dangerous tactic because it paints you as an unbending martinet, and there are places in your love nest where she can take immediate revenge.
    • NO, I DON'T MIND means that your garage will soon be filled with crap not of your making. You're going to have to navigate that mine field on your own.
What is the perfect garage? THE BAT CAVE, only bigger (see below)

Is it possible to have too many toys in a garage? NO. When I think about the perfect size for the ideal garage, I think about having an entire Cabellas or an entire Bass Pro Shop as my garage…with parking outside for the toy overflow, a runway for the airplane(s) and a three acre fish pond next to the rifle range, located just south of the racquetball court and steam room.