sunset from behind the wire

sunset from behind the wire

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sunday Rant

Can you define people by their preferences? Sure, how better to define them? I was chatting on e-mail with friends I'm going to have dinner with in a different part of the USA this coming week and shared one. I think that I'm going to expand on that simply as part of the Sunday Sermonette rant.

FOOD THAT I AVOID:

(1) Red Dot Indian food. I've been to India and equate the cuisine with 'ass'. When that many people squat in the street and drop loads of curry, the notion of curry simply makes me want to barf. I have eaten very good Indian food but my default setting is that it reminds me of the smell of dirty feet and feces.

(2) Sushi. It's fashionable to love sushi in the part of the nation where I live. If I go out to eat sushi in an attempt to be fashionable, I order cooked food, which defeats the glory of raw fish. I can gag down raw tuna without having it come back up, but when you consider the price, it makes no sense. Teriyaki Chicken tastes good and it's half the cost --- but when you choose chicken around die-hard sushi eaters, it makes them uncomfortable.

(3) Guts. I am carnivorous, but avoid any food that I classify as guts (essentially smooth muscle tissue, intestines, organs, and brains). Liver is off the menu as is heart, testicles and kidneys.

I know of people who eat their wife's placenta after the baby is born. OMG - never. Not frigging EVER. Not even if Charlize Theron (wearing a fetish nurse outfit) was offering herself to me if I ate it.

CREATURES THAT I KILL ON SIGHT:

(1) Mosquitoes. I don't like them. I particularly dislike the large varieties that grow to disproportionately large size in Wisconsin and Alaska - the size of small birds - with voracious appetites for human blood. I swat them down without ever applying the Buddhist doctrine of the wheel of life.  I'm sure that they're re-born in some karmic cycle as soon as I swat them and they come at me immediately again. It would explain the inexhaustible supply of mosquitoes.

(2) Cockroaches. Fire, fire for effect. They've been around since the planet cooled looking the same way that they do now. I can't kill enough to wipe them out (clearly) but I can remove those near me from the gene pool. I live in a newer home in a newer subdivision of a newer city, so you don't see them here even if you turn on the lights. Which is one reason that I prefer to live where I do.

I particularly dislike the cockroaches that live in Southeast Asia - the 3 inch long flying type that are capable of taking down a poodle. 

(3) Gophers. I go into my Caddyshack mode when they appear in my yard. And they do NOT survive the assault. I have never had to resort to C-4 to eliminate them but it's not off the menu of anti-gopher remedies -- even if it did blow out every window in the neighborhood. 

My reputation is such that neighbors have sought me out to eliminate their gopher problems in the past. However, I'm out of practice these days for lack of targets. I feel like a frustrated P-51 pilot flying over Germany in the last days of the Second World War when it comes to gophers.

WHEN ANNOYED:

If a woman annoys me and won't stop, I ask her when her baby is due. This only works on women who are NOT pregnant. It's a secret weapon that I only use when I have no other option. In a sense it is the nuclear option.

The reflexive reply is "do you think that I look pregnant?" To complete the move, you must wait three or four ticks before you say something on the order of, "uh....well....no, I just thought....never mind. Do you think that it will rain? [or] Do you think that the Dodgers will make it to the Series?"


38 comments:

  1. Homosexuals most certainly are defined by their preferences. Male homosexuals prefer men, and accordingly are defined as gay. And only gay. Not gay engineer, homosexual accountant, no, not even.

    This particular preference defines the chooser as such in their entirety.

    Love liver and onions, but don't do tentacles. Or raw oysters, gag....

    True cockroach story: my wife, daughter and I were dining in a fancy schmancy steak house in midtown Manhattan last year, very hoity toity, one of the oldest steak houses in the country. I just happened to see out of the corner of my eye movement on the nicely decorated wall next to me a big, fat cockroach, maybe an inch and a half long.

    I calmly summoned the tuxedo clad waiter and pointed it out to him, and he dove on it with a cloth napkin and apologized profusely. The folks at the table next to us also saw the varmint.

    Both our tables got our entrees gratis, as the manager was all over us like stink on shit making sure we enjoyed the rest of our fare.

    I am rather fond of cockroaches now.

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    1. And you didn't bring that one with you to release into the wild???

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    2. I've had lesbians work for me in government and I always got along with them. I find homosexual men more difficult to take. But leading the list of the strange is the trans-gender community. I think that they lead the pack. Witness the famous Bruce Jenner who wants to have his penis whacked off so that he can be a lesbian...that's some fucked up stuff.

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    3. Bruce Jenner is a good advertisement for the trans community. He's obviously a very normal guy that isn't a guy that isn't a woman either. That's why we call Bruce "she."

      Some say that Michelle Obama is trans. I don't know why they say that.

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    4. There are topics not worth delving too deeply into. This is one of those.

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  2. I would add ticks to the pile of critters I could do without. I'm reminded of them since I'm doing Spring cleaning in my very small woodlot around my home and they are definitely waking up from their winter's nap. My daughter dislikes them even more . . .

    She's about 8 and in for a dental checkup. Our friend/dentist Dave calls me back, takes his light and shines it in my daughter's ear. There, just into her ear canal was a fully engorged Wood Tick. Let's say she got "antsy" when she figured out what the problem was . . . :)

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    1. Yeah, wood ticks DEFINITELY are kill on sight. If I think that thought that there was a tick in a bush, I'd douse it with DDT, then kerosine and light the damned thing on fire.

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  3. Huummm. I find myself agreeing with you. When there is nothing to eat but horrible food, that's what you eat. Fried rice, and an unknown meat, covered with small HOT peppers comes to mind.

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    1. You refer to Thai food, I take it. The HOT peppers sterilize the mystery meat (usually rat).

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    2. The Thai food I'm talking about is what they eat in poor villages; or a hill tribe. Nice people. Horrible food. Same in Laos. Yuk!

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    3. Yeah, that's bush meat (=mystery meat) and peppers in a stew.

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  4. I was going to add Thai, but y'all already covered that. I'd add camel burgers to the list though... I'll take sushi over them... sigh And the PI cockroaches are infamous... Just try to get one of those bastards off your airplane.

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    1. There are also leaches. They need to be added to the kill on sight list. I'd frag a mud puddle if I thought that there was a leach in it. I hate them...really.

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  5. I've experienced many of those and I side with you on everyone.

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  6. It has been fifty years but still remember the horrible food in an Army Consolidated Mess Hall.

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    1. It does build for a combination of indigestion and the desperate need for a young man to get a square meal.

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    2. I had eaten in mess halls in the Army, Navy and Air Force. The Army was all over the place: really good, really bad, and everwhere in between. The navy facilities were overall better than the army, but the Air Force had great food at every facility I ever ate at: never had a bad experience in an Air Force dining facility.

      Just FYI: we called our army mess hall in Augsburg Germany in the mid-1970's 'mom's'.

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    3. Air Force also has the best housing and the corporate nature of the business is almost not like a uniformed military service.

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  7. You know all those things you listed... I noticed a trend. They all lack cheese. Sushi, gophers, etc. All better with a bit of cheese on the side.

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    1. A bit of BBQ gopher and cheese is clearly better than a BBQ gopher by itself.

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    2. You're onto something. On the most base level, I suspect BBQ is the reason you can't stand anything on your list, including annoying women. If annoying women handed you bbq, they would stop being annoying. Similarly, if mosquitoes held vigil during barbeques they would also be forgiven. Sushi would stop being sushi and Indian food is inherently excluded.
      Problem solved, yet again.
      BBQ and cheese.
      Glad to know I've been living right all this time.

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    3. Texas style cooking washes away sins...and varmints who recognize that when something goes onto the BBQ, it's time to back off -- earn their lives back.

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  8. Never eaten some of that stuff, and have no desire to start, ugh. When my daughter came back home from NAS Cubi Point, she tried to get me to eat some strange stuff, No Way!
    Bad bugs, are a kill on sight. No quarter given. My guys say the bug A Salt guns work really well, but I'm not sure whether they are shooting bugs with'm or each other.

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    1. Cuisine of the Philippines is something else I can pass on. Everyone tried to get me to eat a balut (egg) but there are eating adventures that I have avoided.

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    2. The P.I. is far from being the culinary capital of the world.

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    3. It's just about as far from being "culinary" and "sanitary" as you can get unless you want to travel to Central Africa, which brings in a completely different basement to the word "cuisine". I'm sure that the president enjoys eating there, though.

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  9. Mr. Lambert you defy definition...

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    1. In a good way or in a bad way?

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    2. A good way but after knowing you all these years I still find you to be somewhat of an enigma...

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    3. That I suspect is an enormous compliment.

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    4. I'm floored. Enigma? Me? The illegally parked car in the cul-de-sac of life?

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  10. My wife announced "Dinner is ready!" just as I was reading your placenta memoirs. Thanks a lot.

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  11. I always get order the teriyaki chicken at the sushi bar…and this is NEVER reflected when the "how do we split the bill" conversation comes. For the record, I never bring it up…

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    Replies
    1. No it is NEVER reflected in how the bill is split, is it?

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