sunset from behind the wire

sunset from behind the wire

Monday, April 6, 2015

The Transition to an Academic Life

My "day job" requires that I interact with academic types, who are annoying. This blog post outlines my transition from lean, mean fighting machine (and sexual tyrannosaurus) into a meek, slack jaw'd,  business person. Some of you who read this blog have law enforcement experience. Some have military experience. And, some such as WoFat and I have done both as well as dabbling in the dark arts.

The Past

Cops, soldiers and spies hunt the evil that academics pretend does not exist. The progressive intelligencia's agenda's hallmark is that there is no difference between good and evil. People who work in the dark know that there are monsters out there and they need to be eliminated efficiently before they can cause harm. Private citizens look like "happy idiots" much of the time to cops, soldiers and spies because they drift through their lives without every having taken out a single monster with extreme prejudice.

Soldiers have the opportunity to use slogans that are considered bad form when used by the police, such as, "If you kill enough of them, they stop fighting." Some used to cut both ways but don't today, such as, "If there is a choice between cowardice and violence, I advise violence." Police today are supposed to abjure violence in a violent world...hahaha. That will never work.

Both professions teach that you must master your fear, because fear is a choice.  Mastering fear requires confidence that is manifest by good decision making during moments of exceptional stress. Mastering fear demands that you understand that nobody and nothing owes you anything. At the point of contact, it is all up to you. 

When you are a merchant, it's rarely that critical. When you work with academics, if it doesn't get done this year, you can put it off to next year. A bee sting is an excuse to take a day off work.

Becoming a Civilian

Today, I am a civilian. It hurts to admit it, but I am. Ok, I do still keep my fingers in with this and that from the old days, but my day job is to be a civilian merchant. 

Soldiers (in following orders) and cops in doing what cops do, make split second decisions that have far-reaching implications -- but they make decisions. Academia breeds people who are UNABLE to make a decision to save their souls. Unless it involves the worst kind of cheap fast food - they can decide to eat that stuff with remarkable speed.

A few observations:

I work with academics who've spent the bulk of their lives at Cal Tech. If you've seen Big Bang Theory, you're right there in the ballpark.

Academics whine. A lot. When you tell them that whining doesn't help because nobody cares, they are offended. If you tell them to embrace hatred and violence as a lifestyle, they are more offended than when you point out that they are whining.

Academics don't listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Not ever. If you play Skynyrd, they will leave. They feel the same way about Johnny Cash. I have Skynyrd and Cash playing on a loop.

Academics believe in global warming because it's trendy. They believed in global cooling when it was trendy. They don't realize that they are being used as stooges by their iconic progressive liberal leaders in a scam to tax the weather.

If you look sternly at academics and say, "Ask not for whom the bell tolls" - they barf in the trash can because of the menace and threat. While it's entertaining the first few times, you learn that they never get over it and that it works every time.

Academics are offended if you point out; that they shouldn't be upset by the results that they didn't get with the work that they didn't do. It should make perfect sense to them, but it doesn't. Post doctoral fellowship types are even more confused by that statement than fifth graders would be.

Academics are mystified that anyone would run TOWARD gunfire. If put in that position, they can be counted on to run from it.

Academics feel that Hillary Clinton would make a good president ONLY because she is a female. They thought that Obama would make a good president ONLY because he was a mulatto. They support programs that redistribute OTHER PEOPLE'S wealth. They feel that because they are academics, they should be able to keep 100% of their income, tax free. (that's called being 'progressive').

When you work with academics, you need to bone up on Star Trek and Star Wars episodes because most of their metaphors come from one or the other. They all took a sick day when Leonard Nimoy passed away. The place was a ghost town. On the flip side, if you quote something from Star Trek they take it on face value as being valid...which can be a source of constant amusement.

Academics are bothered when you field strip your Kimber .45 semi-automatic handgun and clean it while engaging them in a conversation. They are even more bothered when you holster it, cocked and locked, at the conclusion of the cleaning. They are also bothered when you sharpen a knife or an axe on your wet stone while speaking with them. Assuring them that blades which are not razor sharp are useless does not make them feel any degree of comfort.

Academics are insulted when you have a specially embroidered "crying towel" made and you toss it them when they approach you with a complaint.

Academics don't understand your actions when they want to tattle (endlessly) on other academics and you bring out one of those plastic mice you get at a pet store and chop it to pieces with a (sharp) tomahawk while explaining that NOBODY likes a rat.

Senior academicians do enjoy it when one of the subordinates screws up and I make them do push ups ("push the ground until I get tired") and flutter kicks to reinforce that what they did was DUMB.

And the most mystifying part of it is that I've tried to quit a number of times and the academics all insist that I hang around and draw money from the company.