sunset from behind the wire

sunset from behind the wire

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sunday Rant

Can you define people by their preferences? Sure, how better to define them? I was chatting on e-mail with friends I'm going to have dinner with in a different part of the USA this coming week and shared one. I think that I'm going to expand on that simply as part of the Sunday Sermonette rant.

FOOD THAT I AVOID:

(1) Red Dot Indian food. I've been to India and equate the cuisine with 'ass'. When that many people squat in the street and drop loads of curry, the notion of curry simply makes me want to barf. I have eaten very good Indian food but my default setting is that it reminds me of the smell of dirty feet and feces.

(2) Sushi. It's fashionable to love sushi in the part of the nation where I live. If I go out to eat sushi in an attempt to be fashionable, I order cooked food, which defeats the glory of raw fish. I can gag down raw tuna without having it come back up, but when you consider the price, it makes no sense. Teriyaki Chicken tastes good and it's half the cost --- but when you choose chicken around die-hard sushi eaters, it makes them uncomfortable.

(3) Guts. I am carnivorous, but avoid any food that I classify as guts (essentially smooth muscle tissue, intestines, organs, and brains). Liver is off the menu as is heart, testicles and kidneys.

I know of people who eat their wife's placenta after the baby is born. OMG - never. Not frigging EVER. Not even if Charlize Theron (wearing a fetish nurse outfit) was offering herself to me if I ate it.

CREATURES THAT I KILL ON SIGHT:

(1) Mosquitoes. I don't like them. I particularly dislike the large varieties that grow to disproportionately large size in Wisconsin and Alaska - the size of small birds - with voracious appetites for human blood. I swat them down without ever applying the Buddhist doctrine of the wheel of life.  I'm sure that they're re-born in some karmic cycle as soon as I swat them and they come at me immediately again. It would explain the inexhaustible supply of mosquitoes.

(2) Cockroaches. Fire, fire for effect. They've been around since the planet cooled looking the same way that they do now. I can't kill enough to wipe them out (clearly) but I can remove those near me from the gene pool. I live in a newer home in a newer subdivision of a newer city, so you don't see them here even if you turn on the lights. Which is one reason that I prefer to live where I do.

I particularly dislike the cockroaches that live in Southeast Asia - the 3 inch long flying type that are capable of taking down a poodle. 

(3) Gophers. I go into my Caddyshack mode when they appear in my yard. And they do NOT survive the assault. I have never had to resort to C-4 to eliminate them but it's not off the menu of anti-gopher remedies -- even if it did blow out every window in the neighborhood. 

My reputation is such that neighbors have sought me out to eliminate their gopher problems in the past. However, I'm out of practice these days for lack of targets. I feel like a frustrated P-51 pilot flying over Germany in the last days of the Second World War when it comes to gophers.

WHEN ANNOYED:

If a woman annoys me and won't stop, I ask her when her baby is due. This only works on women who are NOT pregnant. It's a secret weapon that I only use when I have no other option. In a sense it is the nuclear option.

The reflexive reply is "do you think that I look pregnant?" To complete the move, you must wait three or four ticks before you say something on the order of, "uh....well....no, I just thought....never mind. Do you think that it will rain? [or] Do you think that the Dodgers will make it to the Series?"