sunset from behind the wire

sunset from behind the wire

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Years Resolutions

It's time for me to make New Year's resolutions the same
way that people make Las Vegas wedding vows - which
are half-assed promises made by drunken idiots.
Have fun on New Year's Eve and when you're deeply into your cups tonight and you see the best looking woman/man that you've ever seen, remember the difference between love and herpes...herpes lasts forever. And when you're at the karaoke machine singing, remember that if men could sing songs that made women love them, Bill Cosby wouldn't have had to put rohypnal in the wine.

Now for my resolutions for 2015:

1.  Study the Kama Sutra. Yes, of course I come by it naturally, I'm a Navy man. But study and practice makes perfect. Now all I need do is buy the book and find a tutor.

2.   Finish a chap-stick. There's a back story to this. I only use them when I'm at high altitude, which means that I use them on off-road trips in the Rocky Mountains and then they end up sitting in my truck, which heats up in the summer and melts them sideways in the tube, and ruins them. If I finish a chap-stick, that means that I'm where I need to be rather than in the flat lands with the inner city people.

3.  Throw away fortune cookie messages. I have a habit of putting them into my pocket and then reading them again later when I empty my pocket. I need to leave them at the Chinese restaurant. I don't need the affirmation, and they don't come true anyway. Blogger Race Bannon claims that they're not even printed in China - which is disappointing beyond all rationality.

4.   Don't be accepting. With the assault on all that's good and decent, I need to keep up the fight against that which society finds correct like homosexual marriage, the 'nobility' of inner city thugs, NSA domestic surveillance, legalized narcotics and all things Kardashian/Beverly Hills Housewives.

5.   Spend less time interacting with real people and find the time to join instagram and all of the social networking sites that I now ignore.

6.   Be less perfect. Perfection, combined with my sublime humility, annoys people around me. I need to work on that.

7.  Switch my username to "password" and my password to "username" to make it impossible for North Koreans to hack my computer.

8.  Only go to Costco when they are serving the really good free samples. Yes, it's the prime component of a bachelor's eating lifestyle. Figuring out the sample schedule even if it means co-opting key Costco employees by discovering personal matters that they'd rather keep hidden -- and having them call me when the good stuff is going onto the sales floor to keep personal matters personal.

9.    Always finish what I

10.   Eat bacon once a day.



Happy 2015!

Go buy some firearms and ammo - and practice with them.

23 comments:

  1. Me too…I will only eat bacon once a day…starting tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Kama Sutra is highly overrated. Seriously.

    I cannot accept that you cannot be accepting of what I cannot accept. So accept it and move on.

    And, of course, bacon.

    Wishing you and yours all the best in the coming new year, which would probably mean that Obama loses his job and that you win the NRA grand prize gun giveaway. Oh, and you win a year's supply of bacon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kama Sutra - I appreciate advice from a man of some experience in this matter. Seriously.

      If I have to choose between Obama being convicted of high crimes and misdemeanors, the NRA grand prize gun give way and the year's supply of bacon ...it would reveal me as a cur if I opted for the fancy rifle instead of Obama being rode out of town on a rail. Wanting a year's supply of bacon is Islamophobic.

      So I'll wait for the moment (drum roll of you please) to decide.

      Delete
  3. ATTN COSTCO associates: Would security please come to end cap seven, white haired "Gentleman" wearing seal team five jacket, suspected of trolling with Kama Sutra field guide hanging out of one pocket, 5# bacon from another, waving a fortune cookie paper... consider armed and semi dangerous...

    Happy New Year Warrior... Brig

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Role the coroner and the fire department for a wash-down.

      Delete
  4. Actually #4 ain't bad... and I got the gun yesterday, ordered the ammo today, and plan to shoot on Sunday...

    Happy New Year to you and yours!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shooting is important for your soul.

      Delete
  5. I like all of those resolutions, especially the "be less accepting one" and the guns & ammo at the end. Have fun tonight!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I promise to be far less accepting in the coming year and to finish what I

      Delete
  6. A man who knows what he wants and aims for it! :) These are terrific!

    If you could just get number 9 to work, the rest might actually happen...

    I hear you on the chap-stick dilemma. It's all in needing the right positioning technique in your car. Which sounds like something that the Kama Sutra book might help with? (Sadly, not an expert.)
    If not, perhaps toss the chapstick and just save a small jar of bacon grease. That'd work just as well.
    Best of luck with the resolutions :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Replies
    1. Thank you Rick - and to you. Have a great 2015.

      Delete
  8. It's 2015 now, and I've got the bacon ready for the cast iron!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bacon would seem to be the key to joy with BBQ'd colossal shrimp. Colossal shrimp -- makes as much sense as Pine Apples. But when you mix anything with bacon, it gets better.

      Delete
  9. Hilarious! Best resolutions ever! 6 is also a problem for me....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jules, yes, well -- sure, we are both perfect, but one is more perfect than the other.

      Delete
  10. He who can call in air strikes as needed is a happy person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are air strikes to be called in next year...happily.

      Delete
  11. Yay air-strikes!! My calling-power is limited since I don't have an iPhone and even the goats don't listen.

    ReplyDelete

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