Lady Astor to Sir. Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Sir Winston Churchill in reply: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
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A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
PM Disraeli responds: "That depends, Sir, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
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George Bernard Shaw to Sir Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
Sir Winston Churchill responds: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one."
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Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington: "He is not only dull himself, he causes dullness in others, but we may not need to worry for long. I just heard that he's ill. Let's hope that it's nothing trivial."
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Sir Arthur C. Doyle: "If you marry well, you will be happy. If you don't, you'll become a philosopher -- or a drunk -- or a drunk philosopher. I had bad luck with both of my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."